Is a fixed mindset holding you back in your relationships and your relationship with yourself? Pam Weeden explains how to harness some of the untapped potential in your brain to manage emotions with more compassion.
Our minds our powerful things; they have a capacity far beyond our comprehension. In truth, we are only aware of a very small percentage of the complex processing that is taking place underneath our skull bones. The things in our awareness are within our ability to work with, influence and master over time; however, what is going on in our subconscious is a whole, different story. This is a like a black hole of mystery to us and yet it has a huge and significant impact on how we show up in and experience the world.
In our subconscious, we store our biases, the messages we are given in our early years, the impacts of our parenting and the authority figures we encountered and so on. Over time, these form what are known as limiting or ‘shadow’ beliefs, or misconceptions about ourselves, others, the systems we operate in and the world at large, which ultimately affect our emotional responses to events and as a consequence, our behaviours and our mindset.
The Four Horsemen of the Fixed Mindset, a phrase coined by Gottman, looks at a set of four behaviours that can occur as a result of a fixed mindset and the subconscious drivers influencing this: these he summarised as Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
Gottman applied his theory to relationships and studied how the Four Horsemen behaviours had the potential to lead to the breakdown of relationships of any kind, be that with a spouse, a friendship etc. He went on to identify a series of antidotes; these being behaviours and actions that can bring more positivity and appreciation back into a situation. However, what if we considered Gottman’s model through the lens of the relationship we have with our own Self? What if we think about what it is we say to our ‘selves’ when something goes wrong or we find ourselves in times of extreme stress?
To do the real deep work with our subconscious can require therapeutic support to help us see what may be hidden from our view and there is a long-term commitment needed here. What Gottman offers here are some quick and ‘easy to implement’ strategies that have the potential to bring about a shift. For example, if you find yourself stuck in feeling helpless or slipping into a victim role, what changes if you consciously and deliberately look for what you could take responsibility for when it comes to empowering yourself?
It is always worth remembering that at one time, it was considered impossible for anyone to run a mile in less than 4 minutes. Until someone did. What history doesn’t record is that once Roger Bannister had achieved his infamous result, very quickly afterwards a number of other people did. It appears that once it was proved possible, perceptions changed and mindsets changed. Minds are a great tool; getting to grips with your own can pay dividends.
Pam Weeden is a qualified professional Executive Coach and Mentor who is passionate about leadership development and believe in facilitating the growth of the person and the professional. Throughout the pandemic Pam has offered pastoral support to the Trust's senior leadership team.
You can follow Pam on Twitter: @PamWeeden
